The Skinny Files

OMG what the hell is wrong with me guys!!!
All this time I had taken a blogging break I was completely dedicated to losing weight and being thin and healthy and cute. Why cant I get my groove back? I cant seem to be motivated like I was back in August. I am so sick and tired of being the fat girl, the fat friend ugh I just want to be thin. I seriously don't feel like I'm meant to be the weight that I am maybe that's why I cant accept myself the way that I am. I just want to wake up thin. It is so fucking hard trying to lose weight. I mean seriously I have lost 31 lbs already but I still feel so fucking fat. pants are still tight around my waist. They may be baggy in my general butt region and in my thighs but not my gad forsaken waist!!! I hate this shit, all of my clothes look so fucking unflattering, my pants are big in all the wrong places, my face looks the same, my stomach definitely doesn't look like its lost 31 pounds and my boobs have gone down 1 size so now they are smaller. This is not making me feel at all better about my body I'm so pissed. Every day its a struggle when I'm at home living with a man that can eat whatever the hell he wants and not gain any weight. UGH!!!!
This is making me so angry. I try hard every day. In the mornings I eat either 1 cup of oatmeal with Stevia or 1cup of cereal with enough nonfat milk to moisten the cereal so I know its less than a cup. I drink plenty of water like 6 20oz water bottles a day before lunch then I have green beans with meat steamed in the microwavable steaming bags  or a salad with balsamic vinegar. If I'm still hungry I have a fruit. Then before I leave I have a Oikos Greek yogurt cup and I'm OK for a bit. then while I'm at home I make dinner, meat loaf with veggies in it no rice egg or crackers to hold this baby together, pasta salads, tuna more veggies. But it is very hard when you have a picky eater in the house. Like he may say hes not picky but he totally is when it comes to eating healthy and it makes shit so much harder for me. Especially when he buys delicious junk food and I want to eat it because I see him eat it. When Mark cooks he makes microwavable meals that are full of preservatives, they are delicious but so un healthy its like all he knows how to cook is shit that would clog your arteries and makes you fucking fat. I'm not going to lie its fucking delicious but I try so hard during the day it doesn't even fucking matter when I come home to this. i don't know what to fucking do any more. I really really want to lose weight. I'm so tired of being fat. I started gaining weight when I was 10 yrs old. Not a significant amount but I did start gaining. I mean I was still pretty small in the 6th grade but then every year it just kept getting worse and worse. I remember my mom and grandma telling me to start dieting at 12. 12 people like seriously what fucking 12 year old diets?! Looking back I wasn't even that fat. It got bad around age 15 that's when I couldn't even bear to look at myself anymore. My grandmother would bribe me and tell me that f I lost 10 lbs she would take me on a shopping spree. Seriously what girl wouldn't want to go on a shopping spree? Of course I tried and then I gave up and then I stopped caring and then I packed on some more weight. So here I sit at 196 lbs, yes I fucking gained 2lbs and I'm feeling completely miserable about my size. I want to be at 125 of 130 and it just seems such a life time away. I want to do it though, I want to be healthier, I want to be thin, I want my appearance to be that of a fit healthy lovely lady and I never want to be thin again. I need to keep trying, I need to work out till I cant anymore I need this dammit like Ive never needed anything else before. I'm hoping by this time next week I will have good things to say about this long hard road to hotness. I will not give up, I will not give in and I will try more right now!!!
I cant be that girl anymore. The girl I want to be is confident, has great arms and legs, beautiful curly hair and  can do anything she wants. She doesn't let anything get in her way. She is strong both physically and mentally and is fearless. The rest of this year will be spent chiseling that lost beauty in the mess she has blubbery become.
Thanks for reading guys.