Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Skinny Files

Hey Guys so I hope you all are having a great Wednesday, I stayed home from work today to go to the doctor so Ive just been chillaxing. I have been resting all day. I have been having a lot of back and neck pains and today was one of the worse days in pain and it just keeps getting worse. I had Muffin come home from work to take me to the doctor because it was very difficult for me to turn my head from left to right and I was scared to drive. My boss wanted me to call an ambulance because I couldn't even talk to her I was crying in pain so much, she was scared and she knew I was alone. Have you ever been on an ambulance? I haven't, I was way too scared to call one and I didn't want to be in an ambulance all by myself I wanted Muffin there with me.  So we went to the doctor and I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I really don't know how I feel about this I mean I guess it should be expected because I am the girl who gets weird diseases and weird awful shit happens to me all the time so this is my lot in life. I feel fucking shitty!!! All I wanted today after I got home from the doctors office was for Muffin to lay in bed and hold me because I felt like shit and that didn't happen. I was fucking depressed and I felt like my world was crumbling and falling apart and I needed someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok. But I guess I dont fucking deserve that because that never fucking happens in my life. All he did was get himself something to eat, watch Sons of Anarchy and then play video games all fucking day. Even as Im typing this we are in separate rooms and not really talking, what a great fucking life right?! I feel like crap why arent men ever there for you when you really need them. I hate having to ask him to do things like that for me he should already know that when I feel sick I want him to baby me, but I guess I cant ever expect that from him because he cant express those feelings. Maybe one day, I mean a girl can always dream right?!
Anyways I guess I should start writing about weigh/weight loss now...
Before the pains started I was doing really good. Since my last post in August I have lost at least over 30lbs. I was so proud of myself I hadn't noticed how much weight I had lost until my friend Tasha mentioned it to me. I went from weighing 225 5lbs less than Mark to 194 that's 31 lbs since August. All I had been doing was changing the way I ate and not drinking any soft drinks nothing but water. I hadn't even incorporated working out yet. I was about to start working out when the back pains started. I was so excited and pumped, I wanted to start running and training for a marathon. That was my goal to run a marathon by next year. Nothing major just a starter marathon then start building up more and more endurance and then eventually run a half marathon. Since the back pains have started my diet has gone out the window and I just have no motivation to do anything. I just really have no energy anymore and all I want to do is be in a really hot bath or sleeping how can I expect to lose weight. Well today is the last god damn day Im going to let my skinny dream go out the window. Im going to keep going. I was starting to have more confidence in myself once the fat was melting off, I want to feel that again. I haven't gained much just 2lbs but still those are 2 lbs that don't need to be on my body. By December I want to weigh between 160-170 that's 31 more lbs to lose I don't think that it should be that hard but the motivation is the hardest part in this part of my life. That's where this blog comes in. I don't like to portray my life as a lie and I tell the truth here I know not many people that I know don't really read this blog especially now since they think I have given up on blogging anyways so it makes things way easier. Most of the time I exclude people of certain information about my life because Im scared of being judged but I feel like when I blog about it I get it out of my system and Im not really being judged. I mean whoever reads my blog reads it because they want to know about my life if they didn't then they don't have to read it so I know that when Im writing something someone out there reading it really gives a shit about what I have to say. So when Im at a weak point in this weight loss journey I will be turning to this blog for support and motivation. Im getting back on that damn bumpy ass wagon and holding on for dear life because I have less than 2 months to drop another 31lbs. Even if I dont drop the full 31 lbs I just want to drop a significant amount to where I can buy a cute dress for our christmas party.

All right guys I guess thats all for today. Till tomorrow :)

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