Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Constant sorrow...heartaches... disappointment

I feel awful today, its not like a sickly awful its more of like I really don't feel like getting out of bed or trying anymore awful. I wish I could change that and just feel normal and happy all the time. I've tried, recently I tried to fake it till I make it but things just seem to be getting harder and harder for me. I have made a big big decision that will probably cost me in the long run and I'm not happy at all. I have decided to quit my job and go back to work at Starbucks and work at Chuy's full time right before school starts. There are a lot of factors as to why I just don't want to be here anymore but it all boils down to I'm not happy here anymore, I feel like I'm just wasting my time. But I will not be working here come October, I know things are going to be harder working 2 jobs and getting paid less and having to go to school but hopefully being with people who love me will help me in this time of depression. I just feel so fucking lost right now. There are so many thing that are stressing me out right now, my car, my wedding dress, my financial situation and my living situation I just don't know where to start. I guess we already talked about my financial situation next on the list would be my fucking car. I have had that car for 4 yrs and now that I'm almost done paying it and I'm in dire straits it decides that it cant go on. I have to work twice as hard right now and I'm definately going to need my car now more than ever and its just falling apart. I don't really think my car will make it to the end of the fucking year and I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to to. I cant get another car right now, I don't have the money for a down payment, I haven't finished paying this one off and I cant even trade it in because its in my moms name and her credit is so fucked there really isnt any way she can help me. I am so scared that its going to die any day now and I need it to just be a trooper and last me for at least 4 more years. My living situation... well as of right now I'm living in my apartment. Mark and I were going to move into a really nice apartment at the complex we were looking at, he talked to a leasing agent on Monday and he was going to go on Saturday to sign the lease. Well he went this morning and it turns out that another dumb ass mother fucking leasing agent rented our apartment out and now yet again I have to compromise for a smaller fucking apartment that I don't want. It feels like I always have to compromise that's all I fucking do in life and I'm so fucking tired of it. I was so excited about our apartment and look where that fucking got me... disappointed, so whats the use of getting excited over anything it all seems to just lead to disappointment as of right now. Now my dress... well I already know what I want my dress to look like and I went to go see a seamstress yesterday and she told me straight up that she just couldn't do it. Seriously?! What kind of seamstress are you? My dress is so fucking simple I just don't understand how you cant make it. What she really meant to say is that she only likes to make traditional big poofy ass wedding dresses and I'm not that kind of girl, I know what I want and I'm not going to give up my dream wedding dress for a generic wedding dress that is easier for you to make. I know the look that I want for my wedding I don't have to compromise that for anyone and I'm not going to. So today An is coming over after work, we are going to go shop around for someone that can make my dress, get a little tipsy and watch some movies and just chill out and see if that will make me feel a little better. I'm done with people, I'm done compromising, I'm done being nice and trusting because its gotten me nowhere. So fuck it! So I guess this is going to be my last post until I start feeling like I give a shit again because right now my blog is the last thing on my mind. 

thank you all who read this and I am so sorry .

1 comment:

  1. Love you. Today was the first day I could get online. I ache for you. I wish I could ease your pain.